


Jasper Sitwell Lives in a Goddamn Sitcom

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Natasha has a very small important cameo, swearing sitwell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:57:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay, maybe not, but he definitely gets Clint and Phil together like he's starring in one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jasper Sitwell Lives in a Goddamn Sitcom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [resplendeo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/resplendeo/gifts).



“Oh, hey, Clint,” Jasper says as he and Phil head for the exit to grab dinner. “You want in? We’re headed to this bar I know. Great fried chicken.”

“Huh?” Clint asks, looking up from his phone, at Jasper, at Phil, and then back at Jasper way more quickly than needed. “No. Thanks. I’m good.”

Jasper almost lets him go, but then Jasper catches the way Phil looks disappointed, and the fried chicken at this bar is fucking amazing, and it will not be ruined by fucking _mooning_. “No,” Jasper says. “You’re not. Come on.” He grabs Clint by the back of his jacket when he tries to get away and drags him along before he can escape.

“Jasper, that’s really—“

“And no more of this shit from you, either,” Jasper says, pointing a finger at Phil. “Months I have listened to you worry about what Clint will think if you make a move, and months has Natasha listened to this one—“ and he reaches over Clint’s jacket and grabs his shirt collar because Clint is clearly trying to shed his jacket and flee, “talk about how ‘Oh, maybe I’m just not good enough for Phil fucking Coulson and his magical penis! And oh, what if he’s in love with Sitwell?! Which, by the way,” Jasper says and turns to look at Clint, “He would be so goddamn lucky. I make French toast like a goddamn champ, and I’m great in bed.”

“Jasper,” Phil says, and his voice is thready like maybe he’d stopped breathing for the whole diatribe. “Do you have a fucking head wound?”

“For what you’ve put me through, I’m lucky I haven’t burst a blood vessel,” Jasper replies. He points at Phil. “You.” He points at Clint. “And you. I’m tired of this shit. You are grown ass men who do black ops shit, and you can’t fucking talk to each other. I am tired of living in the world’s most annoying sitcom.” Jasper lets go of Clint so he can pull his phone from his pocket. “I swear to god, Barton, you run on me, and I will break your kneecaps.”

Clint looks at Phil. Phil’s looking at him. Clint’s pretty sure they look about equally embarrassed. “Um,” he says.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees, and then he smiles and ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck. “So.”

“Shut up,” Jasper says. He holds out his left hand in a grabby motion. “Barton, phone,” he orders when Clint doesn’t hand it over fast enough.

“What? Why?”

“Because I fucking said so.”

Clint hands over his phone and looks at Phil again. He feels the urge to duck his own head at the way Phil’s looking at him. “So, um, you’re into me, huh?”

“Yeah,” Phil says. “And you’re into me?”

“Pretty much.”

“I said shut up,” Jasper says while rolling his eyes. He hands back Clint’s phone. “There.”

Clint looks at it . It’s open to the Map app. “What is—“

“Best microbrews in town. Get the roast beef without onions. Talk to each other like you’ve got some fucking intelligence between the two of you.”

“We were going to dinner at the fried chicken plane,” Phil says.

“No. _I_ am going to dinner at the fried chicken place. You two assholes are going to dinner at the microbrewery with the killer roast beef.”

“But—“

“I am laying claim to the fried chicken place!” Jasper shouts, turning on his heel and walking in the opposite direction of the exit. “I will allow you to see it for yourselves after I have proof you’ve fucked!”

“…Does he realize he just shouted that really loudly?” Clint asks after Jasper’s turned the corner.

Phil shakes his head, laughing. “He doesn’t care.” He smiles at Clint again, and it gets wider when Clint smiles shyly back. “So, months, huh?”

“Yeah. Sort of thought I wasn’t your type, I guess.”

“Sort of thought I wasn’t yours,” Phil admits.

They look at each other for a few seconds, both of them grinning goofily. “So,” Clint finally says. “Beers?”

“Yeah. That sounds great.”

*

Jasper finds Natasha in line in the mess hall. Her tray is empty, and he makes sure she sees him approach before he takes it away.

“I’m starving, so you’d better have a good excuse.”

“I tried to invite Clint along with me and Phil to the fried chicken place. He tried to get away, and I dropped some serious truth bombs.”

“I don’t see how that impacts my being hungry.”

“I sent the lovesick dumbshits somewhere else, and if you eat fried chicken alone in public, you look like a sad, greasy, lonely man.”

“I don’t,” Natasha says. “I would guess most people don’t.”

“I am a bald man in dork glasses,” Jasper replies. “Have pity on me and come eat fried chicken and drink very strong drinks and toast the fact we are way less likely to listen to those two cry about each other.”

“That’s all you had to say,” Natasha says, and they head for the door together.

It is the best goddamn fried chicken Jasper has ever had. It tastes like victory. Natasha's had better, but she lets him have his moment.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Jasper Sitwell Lives in a Goddamn Sitcom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1997952) by [Readbyanalise010](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Readbyanalise010/pseuds/Readbyanalise010)




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